Sentiments.

Got back home from varsity late tonight, long lecture and a short discussion. Exhausted, but worry at the same time. At times, I just wonder what the hell are we trying to gain when we push ourselves to the limit and at the end of our life we "go back" with whatever we had when we "came". Nothing.

Yes, we find happiness and pleasure when we are still in the living world. But is it for eternity? I doubt so. Perhaps we can still reminisce what we had experienced in our life when we were still around. I find it so manipulating that we are brought into a life where we will grow as adults, go through our career, find a life time partner, grow old and then we will die one fine day. No doubt there would be ups and downs when we go through the cycle of life, there would be hardships that we have to endure, there would be great times that could take our breath away. However, I feel that all these are just transition periods that all living things have to go through when they are brought here. At the end of the day, no one actually knows where will we be brought to after our last breath, how are lives would be after death.

To know a person that is dying in a week's time jolted me up, and what is written above are the thoughts and sentiments I felt. To work so hard for something that is not for eternity, to go through all uncertainties, to weep on every emotional moments.

I ask myself this everyday,"Have you ever live life to the fullest?". I am still seeking for the answer.

If the day comes when He decides to take you away, may you R.I.P.

Discernment

38-hours...the longest sleepless day/night.
Why do I care?
Why is this so mind fucked?
Is it really that tempering?






I should just stop boggling my mind and place it at ease.

Doom

Another day passed without any assignments got worked out. Feeling blue, reflecting on what has been done. Disgusted, I cannot picture what have I caused. Where else can I pour out on how I felt about the entire episode? It is the first time that I behaved in this manner and the reaction I got has been truly upsetting. Sighs.

I know I just cannot turn back time or pretend like it was something that I would be proud of. It was an embarrassment in my books. Or should I say it was an embarrassment in others' books as well. I hate to wake up each time after booze and feeling fucked up. But to feel fucked up and got fucked again would definitely be the no. 1 enemy. What else can I say to defend myself when it was obvious that I am the one to be blamed? No more words to describe this feeling in me. Numb to all these hustling and piercing words.

What has happened is already in the past. This episode would definitely be a reminder. I guess it would be hard for others to believe if I could turn to a new leaf and change my ways. To add, I knew I cannot blame them for having this point. All I could do now is just to concentrate on making the change. I just got to work harder.

Phenomenon

I wanted to shout out to the whole world what I've experienced last night. I just did it. Unbelievable as I thought I needed more time. Anyways, was driving home from work today and this is what I saw...

This was the first shot. Felt like a miracle, a grand prize for my achivement. Lol.

I think this was the clearest and prettiest.

Could not take my eyes of it. This is indeed the last shot for the colorful rainbow.

but I was bored driving along a conjested road. lol.. and hence, here you go. the button-nosed poser. lol...

saw this on the route back home. was about to pay the toll. I guess this was the consolation prize. lol..

This was incredible. I just could not take my eyes away from it. Notice the colors and the matchings in this great phenomenon? I am still reminiscing it.

This is the last shot of it. Amazing.

And yes, I felt good soon after. Things are becoming better. I am sure this is like a cloud with silver lining. Anyways, I can't wait for the meteor shower later at 12 midnight.

Crashed

Blogged. Deleted. Blogged again.


Emotionally detached.


Cold.


Damaged at best.


Barely breathing.


Burying the pain.


Complicated.


Mind-fucked.








Scarred. It is what it is.

Relaxation

I am still retrospecting Lisa Ono's Garota De Ipanema blending with the sound of the waves. A bottle of beer and puffs of Dunhill along with the flow can really create moments that take your breath away. To reminisce the thought of it can only be captured in a person's mind. How wonderful it would be if we could put our memories in a device and replay it every time we long for it.

I have always love the beachside. The sand, the waves, everything. The trip this time around has incredibly bottled me up in a perfect vacuum. The feeling of being calm, without any distractions, are the moments I have been waiting for some time. To reflect back, I do not think that I have done this for ages. I truly miss every single second of it.

If only I could turn back time, I know everything would be perfect again.

擦肩而过

我爱着谁
爱到我有点醉
告诉我你是谁
能够把我让我变不对
你不会累
但我却爱你爱到好累
从没有为了谁
不顾安慰付出一切
站在这平衡点
我还是觉得有点危险
或许是看不见
只能够靠感觉
他不会是个好男人
也不会是个好情人
你对我说我们只是擦肩而过
好的男人有那么多
少了他的日子也能过
我不会再让你寂寞
也不会让你更难过
你听我说要好好学着去生活
就算未来有多少错
至少还有我的问候
我的温柔陪你度过
你听我说
你不要这么做
你不要看着我
说你已经知道怎么做
你很难受
我愿意陪你一起承受
只要你不怕痛
再多坎坷我都陪你走
站在这平衡点
我还是觉得有点危险
或许是看不见
只能够靠感觉
他不会是个好男人
也不会是个好情人
你对我说我们只是擦肩而过
好的男人有那么多
少了他的日子也能过
我不会再让你寂寞
也不会让你更难过
你听我说要好好学着去生活
就算未来有多少错
至少还有我的问候
我的温柔陪你度过
好的男人有那么多
少了他的日子也能过
我不会再让你寂寞
也不会让你更难过
你听我说要好好学着去生活
就算未来有多少错
至少还有我的问候
我的温柔陪你度过
就算未来有多少错
至少还有我的问候
我的温柔陪你度过

May not be reading it out aloud, but it is just something that I hope you felt from me.

I Could Not Ask For More

Lying here with you Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I’m alive
These are the moments I’ll remember all my life
I found all I’ve waited for
And I could not ask for more

Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
I have all I’ve waited for
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have’s come true
And right here in this moment is right were I’m meant to be
Here with you here with me

These are the moments I thank God that I’m alive
These are the moments I’ll remember all my life
I’ve got all I’ve waited for
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have’s come true
And right here in this moment is right where I’m meant to be
Here with you here with me

I could not ask for more than the love you give me
‘cause it’s all I’ve waiting for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more

---

Edwin McCain

Stonned

SIGHS.



Wondering if am I the only one who is thinking about the IFs...

Right move... or was it?

Looking ahead to a blunt & yet unpredictive stance...

Confused but so certain.

Dreams

Lie on the bed and had the most wonderful dream.

You and I, hand in hand, on our trip to see the world.

The gist of the dream?

Let's see if it will come true one fine day.

An assurance.

Extremely tired after today's 5 + hours, back-to-back lectures. Submitted the assignment that I've worked on till about 4 in the morning. Manage to "wake up, sleep back & wake up" again at about 9 this morning. Not too bad, 5 hours of sleep. Reached office late, something that I hated most. I just don't know why I could not force myself to wake up earlier, and reach office on time. I wished I had more hours in a day, allowing me to sleep later and wake up earlier, and finish whatever tasks that has continue to pile up for quite some time. I do not deny that I am a slacker sometimes, but I have tried harder than usual to finish up the heavy workload at work and at varsity. Probably I am just a half-slacker? I really don't know how to characterize it.

Some people annotated that I am pushing myself too hard, causing that fatigue look that I am picturing to others. Some even said that I am staggeringly stressed up, something that I do admit. Sighs, this semester has really tested my diligence not just once, but uncountable times. I have been having monologues and questioning my own credibility. Others have continued to encumbrance my thoughts by their consistent positive remarks. It is not that I do not like to be appreciated, but the fact that when people expect more from time to time, it has somewhat become a cynical challenge that could lead to calamitous results. Maybe it will not reach the burn-out stage, but to think of the tasks that is ahead of me, the jittery feeling starts to seep in.

Somehow, I just know that I will do well ultimately. All I need is just some persistence and determination. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I know I can.

Lock-out

I just can't do it anymore. I am missing you, and yet, I have to comprehend to what my mind tells me. You have indeed erased my past memories, bringing a new hope in my life. No words can be express to how it feels. Deep down inside, I know you knew.

 

Lost

The scenario..... unforgettable. I couldn't force myself not to think of the possibilities that might erupt during that time. I felt as though I have left a world filled with troubles and hardships. You transformed me into something that you are inevitable of. I am lost again. Lost in words, lost in actions. I am so lost in you.

The way you looked into my eyes. The smile that you flashed in my mind. Was it just a hallucination? Was I thinking too much? These questions just kept repeating on its own. And yes, it is a mixed feeling deep down inside. I wasn't sure of how it would be if it goes on this way.

Sighs. I have been sighing eversince it occured. Damn it. Damn that feeling inside me. I just want to concentrate on what is important now. But the thoughts of you kept floating in my mind.


I just can't resist it.

GO AWAY

Woke up early this morning. My mind wanders far away, recalling the feeling I once had. I tried to lie back and relax. But each time I tried, I could only see your face.

Why???!!! It is so mind-fucked. Why do you appear when I am supposed to let go? I hate this feeling. I know the fact that there is no possibility to this. I knew it long ago.

SIGHS.

Each time when you are around, my heart raced. I want to let you know how much you meant. The deep thoughts are putting everything in pieces.... but i just can't find the words.

Treasures

Classes started 2 weeks back. Everything seemed as usual; coursemates, professors, new mates... Nothing new, except for the new subjects that I would be taking this semester. The tougher it is, the more challenge you would have to duel with.

I am faced with a couple of dilemma the few days back. Getting the news that a person I knew verbally was diagnosed with cancer eventually jolted me up. I was stunned. I am still stunned with the result of the diagnosis. An individual at the age of 29 with an extremely bright future is all gone. It made me wonder why is this individual being caught up with such a trial in her life. There are so many asses out there in this world who deserve this more than her. So why does HE draws up this path for her? I really don't know what are the reasons beneath this "surprise".

In life we often strive so hard to make a better life for our own & the people around us. For me, no matter how tough these trials & tribulations would be, if by striving harder that I can make a change, it would not be tough at all. I have seen many people who do not need to work hard but finds a good route in their life, & vice versa. Some people really worked their ass off but in the end, it ended too fast that they do not have enough time to really enjoy what they have hard-earned. Ironic, isn't it?

Probably in life, we should not expect too much. All we should do is just to treasure every single second of our lifetime without any hesitation. Even if we are not in a mood for anything, we should realize that the clock is still ticking. And before it stops ticking, we should tell ourselves that we have live life to the fullest. No regrets of our past.