Sentiments.

Got back home from varsity late tonight, long lecture and a short discussion. Exhausted, but worry at the same time. At times, I just wonder what the hell are we trying to gain when we push ourselves to the limit and at the end of our life we "go back" with whatever we had when we "came". Nothing.

Yes, we find happiness and pleasure when we are still in the living world. But is it for eternity? I doubt so. Perhaps we can still reminisce what we had experienced in our life when we were still around. I find it so manipulating that we are brought into a life where we will grow as adults, go through our career, find a life time partner, grow old and then we will die one fine day. No doubt there would be ups and downs when we go through the cycle of life, there would be hardships that we have to endure, there would be great times that could take our breath away. However, I feel that all these are just transition periods that all living things have to go through when they are brought here. At the end of the day, no one actually knows where will we be brought to after our last breath, how are lives would be after death.

To know a person that is dying in a week's time jolted me up, and what is written above are the thoughts and sentiments I felt. To work so hard for something that is not for eternity, to go through all uncertainties, to weep on every emotional moments.

I ask myself this everyday,"Have you ever live life to the fullest?". I am still seeking for the answer.

If the day comes when He decides to take you away, may you R.I.P.

Discernment

38-hours...the longest sleepless day/night.
Why do I care?
Why is this so mind fucked?
Is it really that tempering?






I should just stop boggling my mind and place it at ease.

Doom

Another day passed without any assignments got worked out. Feeling blue, reflecting on what has been done. Disgusted, I cannot picture what have I caused. Where else can I pour out on how I felt about the entire episode? It is the first time that I behaved in this manner and the reaction I got has been truly upsetting. Sighs.

I know I just cannot turn back time or pretend like it was something that I would be proud of. It was an embarrassment in my books. Or should I say it was an embarrassment in others' books as well. I hate to wake up each time after booze and feeling fucked up. But to feel fucked up and got fucked again would definitely be the no. 1 enemy. What else can I say to defend myself when it was obvious that I am the one to be blamed? No more words to describe this feeling in me. Numb to all these hustling and piercing words.

What has happened is already in the past. This episode would definitely be a reminder. I guess it would be hard for others to believe if I could turn to a new leaf and change my ways. To add, I knew I cannot blame them for having this point. All I could do now is just to concentrate on making the change. I just got to work harder.