shadows

so many ups and downs in a split of second,

undisclosed history appeared like snow flakes,

the clouds swayed away, allowing the thunder storm to resurfaced,

cold and chilly,

motionless..

breathless..

strangers filled the gaps of sorrow..

blunt and dark,

hidden yet pained,




how long will this feeling continue to taint?

2008, 2/9/09

I really need some time on my own. The hectic schedule and bad time management has eventually got me caught up. I began to slack and care less of what I am supposed to do.

I just wish I could get away from here, leaving everything aside and wander alone for a while. I am not hiding or running away from reality. I know what I need to do and how to face it. But I desperately need a break.

It's almost 5 in the morning. Tried closing my eyes to get some rest but in vain. Yes, something bothers me very much. Even when I dreamt of you, the message stood still as if we were in reality. I am speechless right now. I just don't know how to express myself like how I used to. The gap that we talked about continues to walled us... I don't know if you realized that too. I want to be frank, I want to stand by you whenever you needed someone. I just want to borrow you my time, no matter how long it takes to see you being happy again. But deep down inside, I know the long silence between us has made us grown apart. I just wish the "balcony hours" stays fresh in your memories. Those times when we could just talked about anything, everything.

I have to admit, I felt upset seeing the pain that you are going through. Please don't get me wrong. There isn't any hidden intentions that causes this feeling. It's not the feeling that I once had. I hope you understand my thoughts right now.

I know the pain is unbearable. I just wish that there is something that I could do to carry your tears away.

Fizzles..

It is not about winning or losing. There is no definite winner or loser in it. Equilibrium? I guess it is something that cannot be measured.

Enjoy the process of loving someone without making any calculations, any hesitation, any doubts. That matters most.

Reminiscence..

Years passed..

Every moment goes on without you..

Your smile.. Your gentle caresses..

The way you made me feel..

The way I fall every single second our eyes met...

...................





I miss you.

Hilarious!

Some feels that by condemning others, they will feel better. Some on the other hand realized the fact that others felt challenged when those belittling words were constructively arranged. Somehow, I find it tickled me as I am faced with this situation. I laughed at the actors who tried to give their best shot (in their persuasive manner) to change or influence others to think and behave like them. In other words, to get someone to do something they intended the person to do. Hilarious, is the word that I would best describe them because they do not realize that their plans actually work the other way round even though it looked as if it worked perfectly well.

The question that we should ponder is whether they actually realize the fact that we are actors as well. Or maybe by showing that we were really dumb, they felt that the victory is theirs? Ironically, how a person acts and reacts are two completely different dimension though both elements will interlock one another. To assess a particular subject, shouldn't we actually look at the root of the problem rather than looking at the symptoms of these problems?

My significant learning? Think before you speak.

4.36 a.m.-Some silly thoughts..

The first week ended with lots of thought running through my head. The challenge that I faced everyday seemed to fade me away as time goes by. I am sprinting as fast as I could to catch up with the rest, but the further I ran, I find that I am losing myself. I cannot see my old self in the mirror. What is duplicated on it is just a forlorn figure.. begging for more hours in a day, hoping that things will be better, hoping that the optimistic thoughts will glow brighter.

I used to go through the same course of life that I am facing now. Back then, I would just burst my anger and frustrations without giving much thought. I was so childish that I thought by venting out the anger on others, I would feel better. I did not even look at the root of the problem. All I got in return was a temporary relieve and two broken hearts. Have I not weigh the pros and cons before getting into an argument? How can I allow my heart to react faster than my mind? These are the silly things that I would still reminisce with a light smile - a smile that reminds me of how absurd my actions were. Yes, we learn through mistakes and these mistakes eventually taught us to become better in future. It is indeed too late to realize it as damage has been done. No rectification could be made.

In the same time, I think that whenever things go wrong and damage has been done, we should always remind ourselves of the consequences of beginning a "war" when there is no definite winner or loser. Winning a conflict involving partners does not bring joy and glory to the relationship. Instead, visible and invisible cracks would be formed, the latter bearing greater impact. I may not speak as a "relationship guru", but these are my experiences that I feel I should share with people around me.

I remembered passing a newspaper article to a friend of mine-"To Love and Cherish". The content of the article soothe the emotions of the rowdy and brings comfort for those who have doubts in their relationships. My first impression of this article is that it connects people's thought, transforming words into action. I agree that even though it may not be something easily practised, it is worth trying.

Anyways, maybe what I've wrote in this blog will make me look like a dimwit. No doubt, I care a lot for my friends without expecting anything in return. Though it hurt a little to see how things work, I guess this is reality. Regardless of this, love yourself more because without it, there is nothing called love.