My side of story.

I have tried to distant myself from you. Yes, I understand that what you are doing is purely on a friendly basis. Regardless of that, I hope you see that there are certain things that I wish to keep private and unattended. I do not mean any harm by posting up this particular post. I just want to tell you exactly how I felt after such a long absence from everything.

A few weeks ago when you broke the news to me, I have to admit that I was disappointed and happy in the same time. You knew exactly how I felt. But as time passes, I thought it was obvious to you that I have already let go off everything. What alarmed me was that when you knew the fact on everything that was happening at that time, why make such an issue out of it? Why do you degrade me and made me looked as if I am still clinging on it? I thought I have made myself very clear, through my actions and words. Sighs.. I have kept myself in control of the things I did, and yet, isn't that enough? Please stop making me looked like an idiot. I have my pride and dignity too.

There is one particular song that clearly explain my feelings. Though there are some parts of it that may be irrelevant to this scenario, I hope that you can understand the main purpose of this song.

Doin' Just Fine by Boyz II Men

There was a time when I thought life was over and out
When you went away from me
My dying heart made it hard to breathe
Would sit in my room
Because I didn't want to have to go out
And see you walking by
One look and
I'd break right down and cry

Now you say that you made a big mistake
Never meant to take your love away
But you can save your tired apologies
'Cause it may seem hard to believe, but

I'm doin' just fine
Getting along very well
Without you in my life
I don't need you in my life
But I'm doin' just fine
Time made me stronger
You're no longer on my mind

You were my earth
My number one priority
I gave my love to only you
Anything you'd ask of me
I would do
But somewhere down the road
You felt a change in the weather and told me
that you had to journey on
A kiss in the wind and your love was gone

Now you say you never meant to play your games
Girl don't you know it's far too late
Because you let our love just fall apart
You no longer have my heart

I'm doin' just fine
Getting along very well
Without you in my life
I don't need you in my life
But I'm doin' just fine
Time made me stronger
You're no longer on my mind

When you said goodbye
I felt so all alone
There were times at night I couldn't sleep
My heart was much too weak to make it on my own
Baby after all the misery
And pain you put me through
So unfair to me girl
You're no longer my world
and I ain't missin' you at all

I'm doin' just fine
Getting along very well
Without you in my life
I don't need you in my life
But I'm doin' just fine
Time made me stronger
You're no longer on my mind

See baby when you walked away
You didn't think
it would end up this way
But I knew
you'd come around someday

I hope I did not provoke or harm your feeling. I just want you to know how is it like to be me, to listen to things that frustrates you when you thought that things are done. Anyways, I am happy for all the good things in your life right now. And as for my side of story, life goes on, friendship blooms and the good things starts to roll in place. You take care.

Tell me..

I thought it was merely my own assumptions. You called and said that after the ceremony, we should meet up and take a few shots. Yea, why not. I remember at that time, it was drizzling quite heavily. The place was pack. Sardine-packed. Everyone was rushing up and down, trying to find the best place for their photo-shooting. We called each other a few times, trying to allocate both of our locations. As mentioned earlier, the place was extremely congested. Walking under the rain with our robes on while trying to find one another was definitely a difficult task.

After 20 minutes of hustling and bustling on both sides of direction, we manage to catch up with one another. As I looked at you, with both your hands stretched open, I was afraid. As for my side, I simply smiled and just gave a light tug. I don't know if I did the right thing, but from your gestures and body language, I know I offended you in some way. I am sorry.

Sighs, I really don't understand myself either. I wish I could tell you what is it that I really want.

The past few weeks has never been smooth sailing. Tons and tons of problems arises even though it cannot be seen from the surface. It troubled me, made me feeling restless every now and then, even though I do not have any faults in those matter. Those petty matters causes conflict, internally, and deteriorate relationships. I was stuck in the middle all the time. I felt like a pawn, being moved here and there in a game of chess. It feels as though those players do not really care if they ever lose you in their battle of minds. I do not know if this prediction of mine is true, likewise, it is actually better not knowing the real thing.

I guess everything happens for a reason. We learn from every mistakes that we made or occur to us. Yes, some say those mistake makes us stronger. Yet, some may fall and never regain their throne at the end.

Anyways, I am going to start on a new path soon. There's nothing more to ask for besides having a sunny side up for a change :)

Weeks and weeks of slacking at home since my last final year paper. The waiting time for an interview dreads me to the maximum. However, those that call wasn't something I have in mind. Sad to say, I have actually turn down 4 interviews in the process. It was not an issue I am proud of, but I guess I really have to look into what I really want.

I thought I have finally secure a job the other day. Went for my first job and was hoping that things will turn up fine. I guess I was wrong. After a few hours of training, I left the company (better not mention which co... for precaution sake). Don't get me wrong, it was not because of laziness or the environment of the working place, but it was due to my integrity and "promises" made by the other party. Yea, left the place and the next thing I know was I nearly got sued for breaching the contract. Damn it. I didn't know what went on the next few hours but the person-in-charge didn't call back right after the last call. I guess it was off.

However, whenever I recall the waiting time for the return call, I could still feel the jittery feeling inside me. I am so glad that you actually called and comforted me in your own way. Though that kind of comfort was those hard-core ones, I know that was your style.. In a way, you have "screwed" some senses in me, making me realize things that I always thought I can manage. Those words that broke the silence between us that day made me see the hidden pictures that actually set those barriers. I never know that I had so much of weaknesses in me until you spilled up the beans. I have always look up to you, no matter which aspect it is. Your words (though not much), have a big impact in everything that is laid before me. Thanks, boss. You are the best!

Walking the talk is always the hard part to deal with. I guess the word she presented me the other night was truly what I needed. Thanks, Joan.

The blackout

I saw you watching me as I jogged away from your house. I have not go for my jogs near your place ever since you walked out years ago. The wounds still itch sometimes when I thought of you. Yeah, it has been years... The look on your face was a big question mark. Excited? Puzzled? I wasn't sure.

Somewhat, it reminds of an incident that happened during the blackout in 2001. I can see your apartment clearly from mine. And the idea just popped in. We decided to use the torch light to "communicate" with one another.. As it was entirely dark outside, the dim light from our torch lights could still be seen even we are far apart. I have to admit that it was fun even though at first I thought the idea was childish and it may not work. Not realizing that even after so many years I could actually still remember this event :)

Pondering alone.... I could still remember our laughter and astonishment that particular day.

I need it.....

Went to MV with Babe today... The initial plan was to look for whatever jobs that land in front of us, regardless if it is a sales exec (a nicer name for a promoter, i guess). Walked around and saw a vacancy in DKNY. At first, I really wanted to walk in and ask if there is a vacancy, but some how or rather, I did asked myself " You're a degree holder and you want to work as a promoter??!!!". Sighs, cancelled that intention and the both of us went straight for drinks.

Chatted a lot and pour out everything to her. At these times when the economy is so bad, companies retrench their employees, pay and working hours was cut... Everything looked so negative. As fresh graduates, these are the times that really tested our patience. When we desperately find for jobs, placing expected salary as low as we could, and continue to wait for an interview. This sounds a bit desperate, I know. But isn't that better than not doing anything, lazying at home and be a potato couch?

Sighs.. I admit it. I am really desperate for a job. Damn it!