Singing In The Rain

The mind speaks

2011-10-11T16:58:00.000+08:00

A very long break from my blogging scene. Now that I am unemployed & had finally finish my Masters degree, I found the time to start doing things that I have long forgo. First and foremost, I am a little frustrated today.Why? Because I find it rather amusing to see how people would think sometimes. If you do not give people the opportunity to learn, would they be able to absorb and learn, and gain the experiences that you do not even want to allow them? The answer is obviously a big no-no. Correct me if I am wrong, but I think the society these days are rather selfish and self-centered as they are afraid that others may be well better off than them, if given the opportunity. It is a realistic world out there and it is also weird in a way because we are all living in a world where man eats man, and either one of us have to live.

It is no longer a world where all of us were given the equal chances to live our dreams. No matter how much knowledge you have gained, it goes back to square one when we are talking about experiences. Philosophers had said that "Knowledge is Power" but does it reflect the real world that you and I are living in?

Shouldn't it be a time for us to reflect ourselves and judge a person based on all that he or she has? And of course, we should be less cruel and more humble when it comes to matters pertaining to living beings. Acknowledging that our life here on earth is just a temporary period, isn't it fair to give one another a chance to see how far they can go?

I still believe that each of us have a purpose here on earth.

Sentiments.

2010-09-24T23:43:00.000+08:00

Got back home from varsity late tonight, long lecture and a short discussion. Exhausted, but worry at the same time. At times, I just wonder what the hell are we trying to gain when we push ourselves to the limit and at the end of our life we "go back" with whatever we had when we "came". Nothing.

Yes, we find happiness and pleasure when we are still in the living world. But is it for eternity? I doubt so. Perhaps we can still reminisce what we had experienced in our life when we were still around. I find it so manipulating that we are brought into a life where we will grow as adults, go through our career, find a life time partner, grow old and then we will die one fine day. No doubt there would be ups and downs when we go through the cycle of life, there would be hardships that we have to endure, there would be great times that could take our breath away. However, I feel that all these are just transition periods that all living things have to go through when they are brought here. At the end of the day, no one actually knows where will we be brought to after our last breath, how are lives would be after death.

To know a person that is dying in a week's time jolted me up, and what is written above are the thoughts and sentiments I felt. To work so hard for something that is not for eternity, to go through all uncertainties, to weep on every emotional moments.

I ask myself this everyday,"Have you ever live life to the fullest?". I am still seeking for the answer.

If the day comes when He decides to take you away, may you R.I.P.

Discernment

2010-09-12T23:02:00.000+08:00

38-hours...the longest sleepless day/night.
Why do I care?
Why is this so mind fucked?
Is it really that tempering?

I should just stop boggling my mind and place it at ease.

Doom

2010-09-12T01:06:00.000+08:00

Another day passed without any assignments got worked out. Feeling blue, reflecting on what has been done. Disgusted, I cannot picture what have I caused. Where else can I pour out on how I felt about the entire episode? It is the first time that I behaved in this manner and the reaction I got has been truly upsetting. Sighs.

I know I just cannot turn back time or pretend like it was something that I would be proud of. It was an embarrassment in my books. Or should I say it was an embarrassment in others' books as well. I hate to wake up each time after booze and feeling fucked up. But to feel fucked up and got fucked again would definitely be the no. 1 enemy. What else can I say to defend myself when it was obvious that I am the one to be blamed? No more words to describe this feeling in me. Numb to all these hustling and piercing words.

What has happened is already in the past. This episode would definitely be a reminder. I guess it would be hard for others to believe if I could turn to a new leaf and change my ways. To add, I knew I cannot blame them for having this point. All I could do now is just to concentrate on making the change. I just got to work harder.

Phenomenon

2010-08-12T23:19:00.000+08:00

I wanted to shout out to the whole world what I've experienced last night. I just did it. Unbelievable as I thought I needed more time. Anyways, was driving home from work today and this is what I saw...

This was the first shot. Felt like a miracle, a grand prize for my achivement. Lol.

I think this was the clearest and prettiest.

Could not take my eyes of it. This is indeed the last shot for the colorful rainbow.

but I was bored driving along a conjested road. lol.. and hence, here you go. the button-nosed poser. lol...

saw this on the route back home. was about to pay the toll. I guess this was the consolation prize. lol..

This was incredible. I just could not take my eyes away from it. Notice the colors and the matchings in this great phenomenon? I am still reminiscing it.

This is the last shot of it. Amazing.

And yes, I felt good soon after. Things are becoming better. I am sure this is like a cloud with silver lining. Anyways, I can't wait for the meteor shower later at 12 midnight.

Crashed

2010-08-09T21:33:00.002+08:00

Blogged. Deleted. Blogged again.

Emotionally detached.

Cold.

Damaged at best.

Barely breathing.

Burying the pain.

Complicated.

Mind-fucked.

Scarred. It is what it is.

Relaxation

2010-07-13T19:53:00.001+08:00

I am still retrospecting Lisa Ono's Garota De Ipanema blending with the sound of the waves. A bottle of beer and puffs of Dunhill along with the flow can really create moments that take your breath away. To reminisce the thought of it can only be captured in a person's mind. How wonderful it would be if we could put our memories in a device and replay it every time we long for it.

I have always love the beachside. The sand, the waves, everything. The trip this time around has incredibly bottled me up in a perfect vacuum. The feeling of being calm, without any distractions, are the moments I have been waiting for some time. To reflect back, I do not think that I have done this for ages. I truly miss every single second of it.

If only I could turn back time, I know everything would be perfect again.

擦肩而过

2010-05-12T00:47:00.001+08:00

我爱着谁
爱到我有点醉
告诉我你是谁
能够把我让我变不对
你不会累
但我却爱你爱到好累
从没有为了谁
不顾安慰付出一切
站在这平衡点
我还是觉得有点危险
或许是看不见
只能够靠感觉
他不会是个好男人
也不会是个好情人
你对我说我们只是擦肩而过
好的男人有那么多
少了他的日子也能过
我不会再让你寂寞
也不会让你更难过
你听我说要好好学着去生活
就算未来有多少错
至少还有我的问候
我的温柔陪你度过
你听我说
你不要这么做
你不要看着我
说你已经知道怎么做
你很难受
我愿意陪你一起承受
只要你不怕痛
再多坎坷我都陪你走
站在这平衡点
我还是觉得有点危险
或许是看不见
只能够靠感觉
他不会是个好男人
也不会是个好情人
你对我说我们只是擦肩而过
好的男人有那么多
少了他的日子也能过
我不会再让你寂寞
也不会让你更难过
你听我说要好好学着去生活
就算未来有多少错
至少还有我的问候
我的温柔陪你度过
好的男人有那么多
少了他的日子也能过
我不会再让你寂寞
也不会让你更难过
你听我说要好好学着去生活
就算未来有多少错
至少还有我的问候
我的温柔陪你度过
就算未来有多少错
至少还有我的问候
我的温柔陪你度过

May not be reading it out aloud, but it is just something that I hope you felt from me.

I Could Not Ask For More

2010-04-26T01:09:00.000+08:00

Lying here with you Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I’m alive
These are the moments I’ll remember all my life
I found all I’ve waited for
And I could not ask for more

Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
I have all I’ve waited for
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have’s come true
And right here in this moment is right were I’m meant to be
Here with you here with me

These are the moments I thank God that I’m alive
These are the moments I’ll remember all my life
I’ve got all I’ve waited for
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have’s come true
And right here in this moment is right where I’m meant to be
Here with you here with me

I could not ask for more than the love you give me
‘cause it’s all I’ve waiting for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more

---

Edwin McCain

Stonned

2010-03-16T00:26:00.000+08:00

SIGHS.

Wondering if am I the only one who is thinking about the IFs...

Right move... or was it?

Looking ahead to a blunt & yet unpredictive stance...

Confused but so certain.

Dreams

2010-03-12T22:50:00.001+08:00

Lie on the bed and had the most wonderful dream.

You and I, hand in hand, on our trip to see the world.

The gist of the dream?

Let's see if it will come true one fine day.

An assurance.

2010-02-26T00:01:00.010+08:00

Extremely tired after today's 5 + hours, back-to-back lectures. Submitted the assignment that I've worked on till about 4 in the morning. Manage to "wake up, sleep back & wake up" again at about 9 this morning. Not too bad, 5 hours of sleep. Reached office late, something that I hated most. I just don't know why I could not force myself to wake up earlier, and reach office on time. I wished I had more hours in a day, allowing me to sleep later and wake up earlier, and finish whatever tasks that has continue to pile up for quite some time. I do not deny that I am a slacker sometimes, but I have tried harder than usual to finish up the heavy workload at work and at varsity. Probably I am just a half-slacker? I really don't know how to characterize it.

Some people annotated that I am pushing myself too hard, causing that fatigue look that I am picturing to others. Some even said that I am staggeringly stressed up, something that I do admit. Sighs, this semester has really tested my diligence not just once, but uncountable times. I have been having monologues and questioning my own credibility. Others have continued to encumbrance my thoughts by their consistent positive remarks. It is not that I do not like to be appreciated, but the fact that when people expect more from time to time, it has somewhat become a cynical challenge that could lead to calamitous results. Maybe it will not reach the burn-out stage, but to think of the tasks that is ahead of me, the jittery feeling starts to seep in.

Somehow, I just know that I will do well ultimately. All I need is just some persistence and determination. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I know I can.

Lock-out

2010-02-24T00:13:00.000+08:00

I just can't do it anymore. I am missing you, and yet, I have to comprehend to what my mind tells me. You have indeed erased my past memories, bringing a new hope in my life. No words can be express to how it feels. Deep down inside, I know you knew.

Lost

2010-02-23T03:35:00.000+08:00

The scenario..... unforgettable. I couldn't force myself not to think of the possibilities that might erupt during that time. I felt as though I have left a world filled with troubles and hardships. You transformed me into something that you are inevitable of. I am lost again. Lost in words, lost in actions. I am so lost in you.

The way you looked into my eyes. The smile that you flashed in my mind. Was it just a hallucination? Was I thinking too much? These questions just kept repeating on its own. And yes, it is a mixed feeling deep down inside. I wasn't sure of how it would be if it goes on this way.

Sighs. I have been sighing eversince it occured. Damn it. Damn that feeling inside me. I just want to concentrate on what is important now. But the thoughts of you kept floating in my mind.

I just can't resist it.

GO AWAY

2010-02-21T11:33:00.000+08:00

Woke up early this morning. My mind wanders far away, recalling the feeling I once had. I tried to lie back and relax. But each time I tried, I could only see your face.

Why???!!! It is so mind-fucked. Why do you appear when I am supposed to let go? I hate this feeling. I know the fact that there is no possibility to this. I knew it long ago.

SIGHS.

Each time when you are around, my heart raced. I want to let you know how much you meant. The deep thoughts are putting everything in pieces.... but i just can't find the words.

Treasures

2010-01-09T20:01:00.000+08:00

Classes started 2 weeks back. Everything seemed as usual; coursemates, professors, new mates... Nothing new, except for the new subjects that I would be taking this semester. The tougher it is, the more challenge you would have to duel with.

I am faced with a couple of dilemma the few days back. Getting the news that a person I knew verbally was diagnosed with cancer eventually jolted me up. I was stunned. I am still stunned with the result of the diagnosis. An individual at the age of 29 with an extremely bright future is all gone. It made me wonder why is this individual being caught up with such a trial in her life. There are so many asses out there in this world who deserve this more than her. So why does HE draws up this path for her? I really don't know what are the reasons beneath this "surprise".

In life we often strive so hard to make a better life for our own & the people around us. For me, no matter how tough these trials & tribulations would be, if by striving harder that I can make a change, it would not be tough at all. I have seen many people who do not need to work hard but finds a good route in their life, & vice versa. Some people really worked their ass off but in the end, it ended too fast that they do not have enough time to really enjoy what they have hard-earned. Ironic, isn't it?

Probably in life, we should not expect too much. All we should do is just to treasure every single second of our lifetime without any hesitation. Even if we are not in a mood for anything, we should realize that the clock is still ticking. And before it stops ticking, we should tell ourselves that we have live life to the fullest. No regrets of our past.

2009-11-27T04:48:00.001+08:00

It's almost 5 in the morning... Bro introduced this song, and it suited my mood perfectly well. Yeah, I'm officially missing you. I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5W1sctPVdE

Boredom Killed

2009-11-17T00:38:00.003+08:00

lavender potpourri

the view outside my apartment

the penguin designer

fish's laptop

Dugong's green tea!
and a stick of ~~Marlboro~~ Dunhill

finally, its done.

Dreads

2009-11-16T00:31:00.005+08:00

I just deleted my latest composition seconds ago. There are just so many many thoughts buzzing through my mind, wanting to come out. Each thought changes its setting, the arena, the environment....everything. Why am I so damn fickle-minded? The composure in me has been fluctuating every now and then, and it freaks me out sometimes.

I really need a good rest.

I need a trip to sail me away from all this rubbish. All this mind-boggling thoughts. All the what IFs?.

Am I going insane? Paranoid? Disillusioned? I can't seem to get the answers right.

I just want to feel the breeze in the mountains, to hear the sounds of sea waves hitting on the rocks, to smell the scent of lavender, to lie on a sandy beach while watching stars shimmer at night.........

and I want it so badly.

Cracks on the Glass Ceiling

2009-10-20T23:40:00.004+08:00

I really wonder if the concept of "glass ceiling" effect exist in Malaysia contextually. Or if this phenomenon existed more obvious in other countries, besides a country like ours? I ponder for awhile after my presentation on the topic of Women's Career Advancement in our Malaysian context. Suggestions and constructive comments from the floor gave me a deeper insight of how I should be conducting my research. Was it a good presentation? I asked myself that question several times, seeking feedback from other course mates and the professor.

Some of the comments given triggered my thoughts. A PhD student suggested that the methodologies used should be a "mixture" of quantitative and qualitative approach in getting data from the respondents. Another suggested that my specific objectives should exclude some elements that I have included earlier. With almost the completion of my research, I felt bothered with these comments. Another student, a Research Assistant in my varsity had been really helpful. Even after our class, she took some of her personal time to assist me, advising me on how I should continue the research after those comments by others. She was so thoughtful that she even arrange a meeting for me with the professors over the weekend. That... was something I have never thought a person would do for another person that she barely knows.

Another thought arise though out my drive home. I was overwhelmed by the concern of these people that I only met once a week, a three hour duration. They reach out their hands regardless of the different race and ethnicity. Somehow I believe that the 1Malaysia implementation existed in between the lines.

Anyways, after the presentation, I got to know that one of my classmate, a female, had just been promoted to a VP post in the banking industry. Well, I guess the glass ceiling has its cracks somewhere....somehow.

The war begins.

2009-10-19T23:14:00.006+08:00

Three weeks of hell starting tomorrow...,

and after that I'll be on cloud nine!

Fingers crossed that things will turn out just fine.

shadows

2009-09-29T00:31:00.003+08:00

so many ups and downs in a split of second,

undisclosed history appeared like snow flakes,

the clouds swayed away, allowing the thunder storm to resurfaced,

cold and chilly,

motionless..

breathless..

strangers filled the gaps of sorrow..

blunt and dark,

hidden yet pained,

how long will this feeling continue to taint?

2008, 2/9/09

2009-09-02T19:53:00.002+08:00

I really need some time on my own. The hectic schedule and bad time management has eventually got me caught up. I began to slack and care less of what I am supposed to do.

I just wish I could get away from here, leaving everything aside and wander alone for a while. I am not hiding or running away from reality. I know what I need to do and how to face it. But I desperately need a break.

2009-08-23T04:50:00.002+08:00

It's almost 5 in the morning. Tried closing my eyes to get some rest but in vain. Yes, something bothers me very much. Even when I dreamt of you, the message stood still as if we were in reality. I am speechless right now. I just don't know how to express myself like how I used to. The gap that we talked about continues to walled us... I don't know if you realized that too. I want to be frank, I want to stand by you whenever you needed someone. I just want to borrow you my time, no matter how long it takes to see you being happy again. But deep down inside, I know the long silence between us has made us grown apart. I just wish the "balcony hours" stays fresh in your memories. Those times when we could just talked about anything, everything.

I have to admit, I felt upset seeing the pain that you are going through. Please don't get me wrong. There isn't any hidden intentions that causes this feeling. It's not the feeling that I once had. I hope you understand my thoughts right now.

I know the pain is unbearable. I just wish that there is something that I could do to carry your tears away.

Fizzles..

2009-08-09T13:35:00.003+08:00

It is not about winning or losing. There is no definite winner or loser in it. Equilibrium? I guess it is something that cannot be measured.

Enjoy the process of loving someone without making any calculations, any hesitation, any doubts. That matters most.

Reminiscence..

2009-07-28T23:55:00.002+08:00

Years passed..

Every moment goes on without you..

Your smile.. Your gentle caresses..

The way you made me feel..

The way I fall every single second our eyes met...

...................

I miss you.

Hilarious!

2009-07-25T22:29:00.002+08:00

Some feels that by condemning others, they will feel better. Some on the other hand realized the fact that others felt challenged when those belittling words were constructively arranged. Somehow, I find it tickled me as I am faced with this situation. I laughed at the actors who tried to give their best shot (in their persuasive manner) to change or influence others to think and behave like them. In other words, to get someone to do something they intended the person to do. Hilarious, is the word that I would best describe them because they do not realize that their plans actually work the other way round even though it looked as if it worked perfectly well.

The question that we should ponder is whether they actually realize the fact that we are actors as well. Or maybe by showing that we were really dumb, they felt that the victory is theirs? Ironically, how a person acts and reacts are two completely different dimension though both elements will interlock one another. To assess a particular subject, shouldn't we actually look at the root of the problem rather than looking at the symptoms of these problems?

My significant learning? Think before you speak.

4.36 a.m.-Some silly thoughts..

2009-07-12T03:27:00.003+08:00

The first week ended with lots of thought running through my head. The challenge that I faced everyday seemed to fade me away as time goes by. I am sprinting as fast as I could to catch up with the rest, but the further I ran, I find that I am losing myself. I cannot see my old self in the mirror. What is duplicated on it is just a forlorn figure.. begging for more hours in a day, hoping that things will be better, hoping that the optimistic thoughts will glow brighter.

I used to go through the same course of life that I am facing now. Back then, I would just burst my anger and frustrations without giving much thought. I was so childish that I thought by venting out the anger on others, I would feel better. I did not even look at the root of the problem. All I got in return was a temporary relieve and two broken hearts. Have I not weigh the pros and cons before getting into an argument? How can I allow my heart to react faster than my mind? These are the silly things that I would still reminisce with a light smile - a smile that reminds me of how absurd my actions were. Yes, we learn through mistakes and these mistakes eventually taught us to become better in future. It is indeed too late to realize it as damage has been done. No rectification could be made.

In the same time, I think that whenever things go wrong and damage has been done, we should always remind ourselves of the consequences of beginning a "war" when there is no definite winner or loser. Winning a conflict involving partners does not bring joy and glory to the relationship. Instead, visible and invisible cracks would be formed, the latter bearing greater impact. I may not speak as a "relationship guru", but these are my experiences that I feel I should share with people around me.

I remembered passing a newspaper article to a friend of mine-"To Love and Cherish". The content of the article soothe the emotions of the rowdy and brings comfort for those who have doubts in their relationships. My first impression of this article is that it connects people's thought, transforming words into action. I agree that even though it may not be something easily practised, it is worth trying.

Anyways, maybe what I've wrote in this blog will make me look like a dimwit. No doubt, I care a lot for my friends without expecting anything in return. Though it hurt a little to see how things work, I guess this is reality. Regardless of this, love yourself more because without it, there is nothing called love.

The Climb

2009-07-07T23:25:00.003+08:00

"I am feeling the words in this song"....

The Climb-Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going

And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about

It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Whoa a oh oh

*Waiting for the day when all that I've ever dreamed comes true*.

Back to school

2009-07-06T23:55:00.005+08:00

It's 11.55 p.m. at the moment. Just got up almost an hour ago. Tired. Exhausted. Took a light dinner and here I am, facing the laptop screen with my fingers tapping on the keyboard. I felt a sense of fatigue in me. I wonder how long I can take the immense pressure. Though today was the first day of classes, I've already felt the strong presence of this very subjective term, stress. In addition, work has not been easy either. The jittery "vigil-ed" in me though I have tried to keep calm and remorse. The positive side of it, I am glad that I didn't flare my temper at work.

Realizing that I was going to be late for my class, I suggested to that particular person that I will simplify the documents without leaving out any data. But I was taken aback when I was asked to re-do the document as she needs to present it out. Looking at my watch, I knew that I will definitely be late on the first day. Anyways, I re-do it according to the specifications given and leave the office as soon as I can. Sped all the way home, grab whatever that is on the dining table and drove over for classes.

By the time I reached the entrance, I was already late. Found my way to the faculty and without any hesitation, entered the hall for the first lecture. I was 15 minutes late and luckily the professor was not annoyed by my entrance. Took a back seat and observed around. It has been almost 7 months since I left UTAR, and right now, I am back to studying again. I found myself amazed by the number of adult learners. Yes, it is never too late to step into higher education. My course mates, most of them are working adults with GLCs give me a sense of adulthood in a way. I don't deny the fact that I reached adulthood years ago, but the fact that you'll be studying in a different environment with different kinds of mindset enhances my curiosity. I really can't wait to see and understand how these new faces would share their knowledge and experiences with me.

Anyhow, classes ended earlier today. First days were mostly orientation and get-to-know sessions. Went home after it finished. Took my shower, online for a while..and I am off to my bed. I am tired.

But still, I wonder what lies ahead of me tomorrow. Another adventure to pursue. I just can't wait.

Thoughts.

2009-07-05T00:40:00.006+08:00

Had a restful nap this evening. Came home from work roughly about 3.15 in the afternoon. Had a light lunch, watched Silence of the Lambs and a little of CJ7. Yeah, I'm being a potato couch once in a while :)

Anyways, working life has indeed taught me many precious lessons. Things that you will not get it elsewhere, but through experiences and hardships. I don't deny that at times, things can be so sickening till it suffocates you. But once you're through that bumpy ride, you'll realize what is left on your finger tips. Though it has only been 4 months of work, I just felt as though it has been a very long time. Work has been stressful enough this time around. Implementation of new systems, follow-ups.. and worst, classes will start this coming Monday.

Well, the time table has not been an advantage to me. Classes starts in the evening and ends at night. Just imagine, having to work from 8.30 to 5, and then rush for classes. Sighs. I really don't know how I'm going to get through this, but like what a friend has told me.. "Nothing comes easy". I truly understand what her meaning was. At times, when people from all walks of life come and tell u things that will pull you down and belittle your faith, I find that rather than taking their words in a negative way, why not pivot it into something more positive? Yes, saying is easy but doing it is a completely different task. But, how would you know if you haven't try?

I know that it will be difficult to balance so many things in one time. I have to give my best shot. Because if I don't, I'll never know how far I can go.

And as for those that keeps on belittling, their words somewhat had inspired me in a very different way.

Unconditional

2009-06-29T19:24:00.003+08:00

The air that I breathe.. The smell of the tulips.. Nothing is ever the same again.

My mind shifts vigorously whenever that phrase appears. My temporal lobe, though might be weary is still contaminated by it. Contaminated in the sense that it is forever stored in it. Those words, excruciating me. Yes, it stripped off my dignity. No matter how hard I fought, I find myself drowning with those words. I do not know what I did to deserve such remarks. Was it a gimmick to spun me away from where I am now? I couldn't find the answers.

As I tried to be positive and reasoned myself in various ways, I placed myself in other's shoes and finding for the right comforting words. My conscience was clear and I had nothing to hide. But what slammed me was the reaction that I got in return. It weakened my soul, making me feeling like a fool that always cared so much for others rather than myself. Sighs. I felt blunt. I don't know what are the options that are left with me. What hurt me most was the episode ended in a weary way. Everything moved on but I was left wounded, as if nothing ever happened. I grasp for the slightest thing that was left in me. My pride.

Please forgive me for leaving this way. I cannot blame you but myself. I chose to love and care, unconditionally. I chose to take the pain, without hesitation. I chose to leave, without looking back... ever again.

Somehow or rather, I know we will meet again someday. And as time goes by, my prayers are still with you. It never stops. That's how much I value us.

Being true.

2009-06-22T00:24:00.002+08:00

Too many things had happened this time around. Though there are many words that can be expressed, the solemn surrounding brings that thought away. Whenever friends around me have doubts or uncertainties in any issues, I have never hesitate to be a listener, or even lending them my shoulders to cry on. Every time when complicated issues arises, I am willing, and never without fail, be the unbiased person and tell my thoughts away.

Somehow, this time I find my unbiased nature being questioned. Even though it was just a gut feeling of mine, I am certain that this is how exactly people will feel when they are being cared for by certain people. Probably the timing wasn't right as they might feel that their personal conditions are being snooped. For once, I felt extremely upset over this matter as I know what I am doing was just to show my sincerest concern, and that's it. Nothing more, nothing less. I felt that my freedom as a friend has been violated. What concerns me more is just that all the while, every one around you cared so much for you. But yet, you feel as if they had betrayed you in a way. I was stunned and shocked with this finding, not understanding what has caused you to felt this way. For some, this might not even be a slight matter. But mind you, I chose my friends wisely and will not trade anything for them. That is how much I cared and value them. Value, not in monetary terms, but through genuine actions.

Well, I know I feel much better after this post and I hope that you can read between these lines. There is nothing more I could do besides hoping that you can see a clearer picture. Till we meet again.

Your Song..

2009-06-06T14:04:00.002+08:00

The wavered soul hangs motionless on my window pane. Pondering.. staring gently at me as I gaze at her face. That face, never leave me for a single second. And I, walks away from time to time just to get rid of her presence. And when I need a comforting cuddle, here I am again, back to the loyal soul that never leaves me.

Self-centered seemed to be the only word that appeared in my mind. I am running at my own pace, running to chase my hopes and dreams without taking into consideration what I am about to lose at the same time. And as I run further, you were still there. Waiting for me to get through everything that I have always wanted. I ran with my life hoping that you'll stop watching me move further because when you gaze at me, the tracks split in seconds.

Sighs.. I know this is my own weakness, not yours. I cannot juggle things perfectly well. But as I've set my priorities, I realize that this hurts us very much though we may not be able to express it. Deep down inside, I hope you'll know how much you meant to me. I have to admit it......, I am kissing the rain.

Don't Quit

2009-04-27T12:12:00.003+08:00

Came across this poem and I find it really meaningful. I think it would be thoughtful for me to share it with all of you. Here it goes:

Don't Quit

When things go wrong,
As they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is a queer, with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow-
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seemed so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seemed worst that you mustn't quit.

Inspiring, isn't it?

Finally!

2009-04-18T09:16:00.003+08:00

Working life has been rather mundane today. It is a Saturday morning, whereby most of my friends are off and I guess they are still on their beds at this moment. Sad to say, work is still on for me even on Saturdays. I don't really like the idea of working on Saturdays probably because I cannot hang out late, doing what I usually do the night before.

Had roughly about 3 hours sleep yesterday night. Drove over at about 11 something to pick you up. A sense of elated broke the dreadful thought of having to work tomorrow morning. Probably it was because we haven't meet up since the last incident. Waited for roughly about 5 minutes and soon after, we were already on our way. When we reached, you look totally different. You seemed perplexed. Probably the surrounding of the area did made its way in disguising the interior ambiance of this place. I guess yesterday night was your first time there. Ordered our drinks and we were off giggling at the silly things that came across our minds. Well, I wasn't drunk or anything, but we really had a great laugh over everything! Of course there are times when we had serious conversations about our job, our life and the things happening around us. I felt so much relieved after voicing out on issues that we have been avoiding for quite some time. Regardless of whatever the issues are, we manage to overcome this little boundary by expressing our sincerest thoughts and opinions. I really think that things were again on a smooth track.

Drove you home after that and finally reach my apartment at about 2 something. Was feeling so damn exhausted. It has passed my 10.30 p.m. ritual bedtime. By the time I got home, my head had begun to take a slight spin. I guess the Draft has taken its toll. Still, my mind resist to take a rest, allowing it to freely reminisce on the things we did. It wasn't really an awkward situation, but rather, I smell freedom at the sight of you. Everything that we spilled out was so harsh and yet, it was so true.

I now feel as though there are no chains locking me up, nothing that binds that lousy feeling trapped inside of me. I finally realized that those vicious memories are gone.

2009-04-14T20:51:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry to let you down. It has not been easy for me either. There are so many unspoken words that has been frozen deep down inside. I want to scream out all those words, but I choked each time I tried. Nothing has been easy. Every time I pushed myself harder, I felt as if I am pulled back even further than how far I've been. I listened to every words you uttered. Though it did hurt a little, I know that all you are doing has been for my own sake. I am really sorry to let you down from time and time.

As for now, I am shunning myself from the outside world, waiting for the right time to deliver what I've promised. All I am asking is just for a little more time.

My side of story.

2009-03-22T12:14:00.010+08:00

I have tried to distant myself from you. Yes, I understand that what you are doing is purely on a friendly basis. Regardless of that, I hope you see that there are certain things that I wish to keep private and unattended. I do not mean any harm by posting up this particular post. I just want to tell you exactly how I felt after such a long absence from everything.

A few weeks ago when you broke the news to me, I have to admit that I was disappointed and happy in the same time. You knew exactly how I felt. But as time passes, I thought it was obvious to you that I have already let go off everything. What alarmed me was that when you knew the fact on everything that was happening at that time, why make such an issue out of it? Why do you degrade me and made me looked as if I am still clinging on it? I thought I have made myself very clear, through my actions and words. Sighs.. I have kept myself in control of the things I did, and yet, isn't that enough? Please stop making me looked like an idiot. I have my pride and dignity too.

There is one particular song that clearly explain my feelings. Though there are some parts of it that may be irrelevant to this scenario, I hope that you can understand the main purpose of this song.

Doin' Just Fine by Boyz II Men

There was a time when I thought life was over and out
When you went away from me
My dying heart made it hard to breathe
Would sit in my room
Because I didn't want to have to go out
And see you walking by
One look and
I'd break right down and cry

Now you say that you made a big mistake
Never meant to take your love away
But you can save your tired apologies
'Cause it may seem hard to believe, but

I'm doin' just fine
Getting along very well
Without you in my life
I don't need you in my life
But I'm doin' just fine
Time made me stronger
You're no longer on my mind

You were my earth
My number one priority
I gave my love to only you
Anything you'd ask of me
I would do
But somewhere down the road
You felt a change in the weather and told me
that you had to journey on
A kiss in the wind and your love was gone

Now you say you never meant to play your games
Girl don't you know it's far too late
Because you let our love just fall apart
You no longer have my heart

I'm doin' just fine
Getting along very well
Without you in my life
I don't need you in my life
But I'm doin' just fine
Time made me stronger
You're no longer on my mind

When you said goodbye
I felt so all alone
There were times at night I couldn't sleep
My heart was much too weak to make it on my own
Baby after all the misery
And pain you put me through
So unfair to me girl
You're no longer my world
and I ain't missin' you at all

I'm doin' just fine
Getting along very well
Without you in my life
I don't need you in my life
But I'm doin' just fine
Time made me stronger
You're no longer on my mind

See baby when you walked away
You didn't think
it would end up this way
But I knew
you'd come around someday

I hope I did not provoke or harm your feeling. I just want you to know how is it like to be me, to listen to things that frustrates you when you thought that things are done. Anyways, I am happy for all the good things in your life right now. And as for my side of story, life goes on, friendship blooms and the good things starts to roll in place. You take care.

Tell me..

2009-03-17T10:47:00.002+08:00

I thought it was merely my own assumptions. You called and said that after the ceremony, we should meet up and take a few shots. Yea, why not. I remember at that time, it was drizzling quite heavily. The place was pack. Sardine-packed. Everyone was rushing up and down, trying to find the best place for their photo-shooting. We called each other a few times, trying to allocate both of our locations. As mentioned earlier, the place was extremely congested. Walking under the rain with our robes on while trying to find one another was definitely a difficult task.

After 20 minutes of hustling and bustling on both sides of direction, we manage to catch up with one another. As I looked at you, with both your hands stretched open, I was afraid. As for my side, I simply smiled and just gave a light tug. I don't know if I did the right thing, but from your gestures and body language, I know I offended you in some way. I am sorry.

Sighs, I really don't understand myself either. I wish I could tell you what is it that I really want.

2009-02-22T20:32:00.002+08:00

The past few weeks has never been smooth sailing. Tons and tons of problems arises even though it cannot be seen from the surface. It troubled me, made me feeling restless every now and then, even though I do not have any faults in those matter. Those petty matters causes conflict, internally, and deteriorate relationships. I was stuck in the middle all the time. I felt like a pawn, being moved here and there in a game of chess. It feels as though those players do not really care if they ever lose you in their battle of minds. I do not know if this prediction of mine is true, likewise, it is actually better not knowing the real thing.

I guess everything happens for a reason. We learn from every mistakes that we made or occur to us. Yes, some say those mistake makes us stronger. Yet, some may fall and never regain their throne at the end.

Anyways, I am going to start on a new path soon. There's nothing more to ask for besides having a sunny side up for a change :)

2009-02-17T00:01:00.003+08:00

Weeks and weeks of slacking at home since my last final year paper. The waiting time for an interview dreads me to the maximum. However, those that call wasn't something I have in mind. Sad to say, I have actually turn down 4 interviews in the process. It was not an issue I am proud of, but I guess I really have to look into what I really want.

I thought I have finally secure a job the other day. Went for my first job and was hoping that things will turn up fine. I guess I was wrong. After a few hours of training, I left the company (better not mention which co... for precaution sake). Don't get me wrong, it was not because of laziness or the environment of the working place, but it was due to my integrity and "promises" made by the other party. Yea, left the place and the next thing I know was I nearly got sued for breaching the contract. Damn it. I didn't know what went on the next few hours but the person-in-charge didn't call back right after the last call. I guess it was off.

However, whenever I recall the waiting time for the return call, I could still feel the jittery feeling inside me. I am so glad that you actually called and comforted me in your own way. Though that kind of comfort was those hard-core ones, I know that was your style.. In a way, you have "screwed" some senses in me, making me realize things that I always thought I can manage. Those words that broke the silence between us that day made me see the hidden pictures that actually set those barriers. I never know that I had so much of weaknesses in me until you spilled up the beans. I have always look up to you, no matter which aspect it is. Your words (though not much), have a big impact in everything that is laid before me. Thanks, boss. You are the best!

2009-02-03T17:37:00.002+08:00

Walking the talk is always the hard part to deal with. I guess the word she presented me the other night was truly what I needed. Thanks, Joan.

The blackout

2009-01-13T02:30:00.003+08:00

I saw you watching me as I jogged away from your house. I have not go for my jogs near your place ever since you walked out years ago. The wounds still itch sometimes when I thought of you. Yeah, it has been years... The look on your face was a big question mark. Excited? Puzzled? I wasn't sure.

Somewhat, it reminds of an incident that happened during the blackout in 2001. I can see your apartment clearly from mine. And the idea just popped in. We decided to use the torch light to "communicate" with one another.. As it was entirely dark outside, the dim light from our torch lights could still be seen even we are far apart. I have to admit that it was fun even though at first I thought the idea was childish and it may not work. Not realizing that even after so many years I could actually still remember this event :)

Pondering alone.... I could still remember our laughter and astonishment that particular day.

I need it.....

2009-01-06T00:13:00.002+08:00

Went to MV with Babe today... The initial plan was to look for whatever jobs that land in front of us, regardless if it is a sales exec (a nicer name for a promoter, i guess). Walked around and saw a vacancy in DKNY. At first, I really wanted to walk in and ask if there is a vacancy, but some how or rather, I did asked myself " You're a degree holder and you want to work as a promoter??!!!". Sighs, cancelled that intention and the both of us went straight for drinks.

Chatted a lot and pour out everything to her. At these times when the economy is so bad, companies retrench their employees, pay and working hours was cut... Everything looked so negative. As fresh graduates, these are the times that really tested our patience. When we desperately find for jobs, placing expected salary as low as we could, and continue to wait for an interview. This sounds a bit desperate, I know. But isn't that better than not doing anything, lazying at home and be a potato couch?

Sighs.. I admit it. I am really desperate for a job. Damn it!

The year 2009

2009-01-04T23:54:00.003+08:00

The New Year has taken its place. Fireworks, I missed them this year. I was just outside a club (or rather a pub), waiting to get into it. But what the heck, its just fireworks anyway. This year's new year has been rather dull and mundane. Everything is just the same. Not much difference though.

A day after the new year, results were out. Was still sleeping soundly when the message tone woke me up. "Results are out already!!". Without any hesitation, I jolted up from my warm bed and head straight to the pc. Typed out my user ID and password...waited a few seconds and....
PASS. I was out of words. Before the exam, my feet were numb. I was so afraid of this paper. I was so afraid that the same s*** will hit me again, no matter how hard I've worked for it. It took me for awhile to find my composure. I did it. I managed to get through.

What lies ahead of me is still a very blurry vision.. I wanted to break through all those hurdles and run free.. But deep down inside, I know it's going to be a tough ride. Can I get through these s***?

Just my thoughts.

2008-11-07T23:56:00.003+08:00

Got home about 10 tonight. It was tiring. All those assignments were a test of patience and language. I wish I could do better. I wish my language is somewhat more impressing. Sighs. I have been staying focus on the task that is ahead of me, while trying to identify which matters are more significant to me right now. I am glad I did not break down and went awry during these times. It was not easy, having to juggle tons of thoughts that appeared in the same time. Going for a jog will definitely help lessen the burden off the shoulder, but was that the best solution that one should think of? I've tried practicing meditations, but half way through, those thoughts just blundered in. I am sick of this feeling inside me. I just want to empty everything that's in my mind. Some believe that it's easy. Snap your fingers and it's gone. Does this makes me a loser that can't seem to face the fact? Or does it makes me a stronger person mentally? I need to take a break and find my track again. I really have to let go those thoughts and feelings before I crash one fine day.

I keep thinking that I'm doing just fine. But when things appeared and proved me wrong, the feelings haunted my thoughts again. I am so lost. All I could do is just to pray for wisdom and strength.

When will these thoughts go away?

Day 5: I missed Day 4.

2008-10-21T11:39:00.002+08:00

Went to a waterfall in Cheras with my close uni friends at about 11 something yesterday. It's called "Air Terjun Sg. Gabai". Sounds more like "Air Terjun Sg. C**bai".. Haha.. That was the joke for the day. Anyways, the place looks calm..but the steepy steps to go up to the peak of the waterfall was not an easy task. It took us about 15-20 minutes to finally reach up there. The first thing we did was to set up everything. Placing newspapers and unpacking the food we bought earlier.. All of us were extremely hungry.. Finished the food and was having my after-meal ciggy.

Out of the blue, Melon said she needed my lighter.. Guess what. The 5 of them bought 6 different slices of Secret Recipe cakes to celebrate my birthday. I was overwhelmed. I didn't thought they would actually set up this plan. Furthermore, it's the first time in my life I've celebrated it in this kind of environment. The waterfall area is really cooling and breezy. Nothing bothers you. Everything was as calm as ever. Sang the birthday song and made wishes. These friends will definitely make you remember them. Their thoughtfulness is just something that you cannot deny. They are great. Though at times, conflicting opinion may arise between all of us. But at the end of the day, things were better off as we understand each other more.

Halfway through our picnic, it started to drizzle. What the.... We were just about to enjoy ourselves in the water when it suddenly rained. Really "potong stim".. Hehe.. Anyways, it only rained for about 15 minutes or so.. But it was about time to go off.. Miao Miao will be having her quiz at 1600. Rushed down the sloping pathways. As we reached the end of the waterfall, they decided to play for a while more. Took some pictures, and all of a sudden, they started splashing water on me. Being the least wet person (minus our camera girl), they kept splashing until I was wet. Obviously I ran (in the water) and worst, I fell. Blood oozing from my knee cap with lots of scratches. Not to mention about Melon's lenses. It came out and torn. Wonder how that happen.

Anyways, we change and drive back to uni. WC was speeding all the way, afraid that Miao Miao will be late for her quiz. Reach back just in time. Went to HL's place to shower and everything. By then, it was already 1730 pm.. Feeling so damn exhauted and hungry, all 5 of us went to the nearby mamak for our dinner. Chatted for awhile n it is time to attend our tutorial scheduled at 1830. Make a quick move and reach our class before it starts.

Though it was tiring, I'm sure all of us enjoyed the picnic. This is one of the birthdays that I'll always remember. Thank you all so much.

p/s: We took lots of pictures, but haven't receive it from Miao Miao.. Will post it up some other time.

Day 3: 4.08 a.m.

2008-10-19T04:08:00.005+08:00

Just got back home from drinks with my close friends back in Kajang. I guess this time is the longest we've ever had. From 10.30 p.m. till almost 4 a.m. As usual, we discussed a lot of issues comprising from work-related issues to our personal lives. It was a good chat. Something we always share with one another as time allows us. Today's chat has bought new insights to what I will be doing in the next 4 months.

WORKING LIFE.

When I was younger (probably about 12 years old), I often dream of becoming a boss. Opening my own café, serving customers good food and a great place for relaxation. The important thing about this café of mine is it's atmosphere. Whenever patrons come in to this café, they would be feeling awe with its interior design. The café must definitely have a pool table... really cozy couches and a place where the customers will have a "classy" feel. However, as time goes by, other profession seemed to catch my attention as well. Not to mentioned my thoughts of becoming a chef. A great chef.. Someone like Gordon Ramsay.. Well, minus the f***ing trademark of his. It would be even better if I could be the owner and the head chef of this little café. The perfect plan for a food-hunter like myself.

But.... in order for me to pursue this plan, first and foremost is the capital needed for the pumping of this brilliant plan. Next, the KSAs (Knowledge, skills and ability) needed in order for the operations to go smoothly. A good marketing plan is needed as well.. Budgeting and all the other 5 other functional areas are also important for the survival and growth of this café. The monitoring and the HR functions will play an important role to this plan. Without good employees and a great management team, it is impossible for the company to grow into greater heights.

This plan was first initiated by myself and another friend of mine. This vision we have has been long implanted in our minds for almost about 10 years. There is no point for us to keep dreaming without making initiatives towards this plan. Walk the Talk, dude.. This phrase is definitely what I look into everyday. There is no point when we only know how to talk, but no actions done. The more we talk without any actions done, the idealistic mindset will soon take over the actual reality around us. I have been talking and talking about how successful should a person be in the future, driving nice cars, dining in "poshy" places and the list goes on... But when we finally look back, all we did was just doing the talk. Nothing else. However, I sincerely feel that the time is not up yet. We could only dream big for now.. And we will not know what lies ahead of our lives. Who knows maybe this little ambition of ours turns out the way we have always dreamt of.

Nobody knows.